It’s been a while

I’m sorry for being MIA y’all.

But, so much has happened in such a short amount of time.

So far:

-I still haven’t gotten my biopsy results back

-I’ve been feeling lonely and scared

-I also had to restrain a patient and I am sure I now have a pinched nerve.

So, with the patient thing, this patient was caught in an act and staff had to restrain her when she attempted to run and assault a nurse. Of course, I had to get involved because the person I was with on the unit decided he didn’t want to go so they had to have me go. This was my first restraint and it all happened so fast and it was 3 am and it was just so much going on. I did it but I know I didn’t do it right and my body kept shaking from straining and I was on the verge of passing out. As I was restraining the patient to get her on the bed, she was calling me a dyke and said she will have people come and rape me and murder me. She then proceeded to say how I pulled her hair and then, talked about how she will rip my braids out and that she will remember my face and knows where I work and how although she is in a hospital, she is somebody and all these threats and etc. Then, she spat right on the side of my face.


I am just glad that I turned my head when I did because I had a feeling she would spit on me. So when I turned my face,  it only got the side and my hair, none in my eyes.

But, shout out to the nurse who was orienting because she was the ONLY one who offered to help. She wasn’t sure what to do but she came in and asked what she could do and offered her help. I think I was numb to the whole scenario was because my body was in so much agony and I was on the verge of passing out and I completely dissociated. I was so embarrassed that I had to have them send another person in because I couldn’t do it. I texted my parents in a group chat about what happened and just simply said that I did a restraint and I got spat on. They both want me to quit. But, I can’t. I really can’t.

I have just been anxious not because I am worried about the patient, but because I am worried about coming across her with my family. My family is my main concern. I was just telling my mom the day before that all this happened that I doubt and hope I don’t run into any patients. That morning after my second overnight shift, I ran into a former patient at my MOTHER’s job and he was so happy to see me and he was pleasant and asked me how everything was. I was very surprised that he was so happy to see me because we never really spoke but, I always tried to be as pleasant as possible. He said he remembered me and I told him I remembered him too. When I told him which hospital it was, he didn’t even remember it but, he remembered me. As nice as it was wonderful to see a patient who was excited to see me, I had a dread wash over me. My heart dropped for a multitude of reasons:

  • He was a patient who saw me in public so if he can approach me, ANY patient can run into me.
  • This was at my mother’s job not just any place.
  • If a patient who hates me finds me in public, what could they do?
  • If a patient who hates me finds out that that’s where my mother works, what will they do to HER?

I am just so eternally grateful to Jehovah that my mother did not come down until after he had already left. I was so fortunate that he did not see my mother and he had no idea as to why I was there especially since I was still in my uniform from my other job. My logic is what if a patient that hates me sees my mother and makes the connection and is on her unit and tries to seriously harm or even kill her because of their dislike with me?

I just pray that nothing happens to my family. I was explaining this to my mother and she said that her and my dad can handle themselves, which is a valid point because they both work in a similar environment but ten times more intense. I told her that I was more so worried about my little sister and she couldn’t respond because that is a very valid point. My sister is only 15. She is still a kid. Now, I am even more hypervigilant in my surroundings.


As for the feeling lonely part:

I just feel so empty. I just feel lonely. I have a hot guy who works in the office and he is a young 35 (shocking, I know) and he is just so attractive and my work friends are trying to convince me that he likes me and it sucks because I know a guy like that would NEVER go for a girl like me. Ever. So, my way of being “flirty” is to insult him. About his age. His soda annnnnd everything. I guess the way I say it is humorous because he laughed every time and one time he laughed so hard, he put his head on his desk. I don’t read too much into it because he already turned down a coworker that I am friends with and so I know if he isn’t interested in her, he definitely would not be interested in me.

Yeah, he bought me a coffee and wouldn’t let me pay him back. Yes, I bought him breakfast as a thank you for the coffee. He said he’ll buy me breakfast tomorrow but that’s only because I told him that he should remember that I am not allergic to ham, egg, and cheeses not because he necessarily offered. He did say before that one day maybe he’ll buy me breakfast but, I don’t expect anything. It’s just him being friendly. It’s nice that my friends would think that someone as attractive as him would be interested in me. But, I know that will never happen. He is so beautiful and a silver fox and I am just a sarcastic chubby brat who works at the front desk. Plus, I am sure he is already talking to somebody anyways and she is probably super super pretty and probably doesn’t have HSV.
Just too many strikes against me.

But, I need to distract myself and get my mind right. I am just so frustrated by everything. By having to work all the time and have it all go to my mom for different things. I don’t really have a social life. I can’t save money like normal college kids because it always has to be spent on something in the house. I’m frustrated because I can’t live my carefree college sex life like how I used to because of my diagnosis. I hate that I feel anxious because I was once a part of the cool kid sex group but now, I’m on the outside because I can’t play anymore like how I used to. My friend who I met from that group said I could definitely be on the inside if I really wanted to. But, her and I were discussing how worrying it is that all of the girls rawdog the main guy in the group and they are definitely fucking at least 2 other people outside the group and their logic is as long as no one has HIV or anything like that, it’s fine. She told me that there is nothing wrong with me, it is just that if they realized how big a deal HSV really was or if anyone got diagnosed with anything, it would shatter their flower child bubble and take all the fun out of it. That is completely true but, I still feel so lonely and on the outside. But then again, I felt lonely during it as well. So, what does it matter anyways?

Maybe I just miss sex because it is the only thing that fills me and gives me meaning. With no sex to fill the time I have between work, I have nothing. I am so lonely but, I am scared. Luckily the guy I have hooked up with occasionally over the summer is very understanding and calm about the whole HPV and HSV thing. He thanked me for my full honesty and for being open despite the nurse telling me I shouldn’t tell my partners and I promised to keep him updated.

Side note: I also did hook up with a new guy. No sex. Just very basic kissing and cuddling. He was very gentle and just wanted to hug on me and kiss me. I was waiting for him to be rougher and choke me and spank me or at least something. The fact that he came without me even touching his penis or anything was what interested me and puzzled me. Our legs were just intertwined and…yeah. I kept asking him what it was that he wanted me to do and he just kept telling me that we had time and that he just enjoyed cuddling and kissing like this. It was strangely gentle and nothing I was used to except for when I was with Smokey. Maybe that’s why it was so strange. When I am being used and abused, I can’t think as much. I can escape and just get that natural high from being struck and slapped instead of cutting myself. Or when I am with a random hook up, my main focus is to get them off and nothing else. But, with this time I had to be present and he just showered me with compliments and it was just too nice. It was nicer than what I deserved. I’m some slutty promiscuous college girl who got HSV that was a former sex worker that also more often than not sleeps with married men. I don’t deserve gentle. I deserve to be used and then disposed of.



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