When you let your self-destructive tendencies ruin your interpersonal relationships

Smokey and I were at a great place yesterday. He was joking around but, I was so upset from a prior mention of the girl that he used to talk to from another person. He never slept with her yet however I did. I was livid that he lied about talking to her. He was upset that I was mad because I was the only one who actually slept with her. So, hearing her name brought up so many negative memories. So, my stomach dropped and I felt so sick and I just felt angry with him. But, he had no idea and I was just so mean to him for no reason. He was busy telling me how wonderful I am and that I am so smart and how he truly believes I can do anything I put my mind to. He continued to tell me not to let distractions get in the way of my success. When I asked him to elaborate, he said men. That I do not need a man at my age to hold me back from my success and that I need to blaze my own path and someone who is worthy of me will come along later.  I got mad at him and told him that although I appreciate it, please do not lecture me because he is not my father. Also, that I do do have a game plan and that I am agitated. He told me he’ll leave me alone because I was agitated. I told him there was no need to. We continued to talk and continue our conversation.

Later in the evening, we made a huge breakthrough with us getting closer and I told him the things I have learned about it and he confirmed it. I told him I know that he either backs out or just completely stops talking when he gets upset or cares too much. Also, that even though him and I started as a one night stand we became friends and he talk to women to feel better, he agreed.  I told him he tries to humor to distract the actual problem at hand. I asked him why is it so hard for him to just say how he feels and that he cares. He said that he has never expressed how he felt and that he isn’t changing that now. But, when I mentioned to him why I was upset earlier, I mentioned that there was a possibility of me running into that girl. He asked why would I ever run into her and I explained that we have mutual friends. So, I asked him if he is still speaking to her. He said that he no longer speaks to her. I told him that I promise I will not get angry and to just please tell me the truth if he is, he still said he wasn’t. I told him that does he understand that if I go into a place and she tells me how much they still talk, I would be completely humiliated and to just please tell me the truth. He got frustrated because I kept asking. I asked him if he promised that he is telling the truth. He said “very much so” and that he stopped speaking to her ever since I yelled at him and got angry months back when I found out because his big mouth decided to slip up and say something slick.

The following question he asked me is will it be at a sex party. I told him potentially but, most likely not. He got short with me and said “Ok, have fun.” I told him that it is a possibility but, I am not going because of my HSV. He told me to have fun and to make sure to fuck her boyfriend. I told him that she does not have a boyfriend. Although he would not let on, I knew he was upset. I have known him for long enough now that he will not be upfront when he is upset, I just know. He hates arguing so he refuses to argue nor will he express what he is truly feeling. I asked him if I  have ever lied to him. He responded with “No” and then I told him that I am not lying to him now. So, he said “Ok :)” and everything was better. We talked about his garden and how he tends to so many fruit trees and different plants and it was a beautiful conversation.

But, this morning happened….

We woke up and he was already busy with working. I was feeling frisky that morning and I asked him for a picture. He sent me one that I have already seen before and then, he explains that he can’t take a picture while at work. Then, he sent me another one and said it was from that morning. My body got cold and I instantly jumped to all conclusions. I asked him why would he take a picture that morning and then, he said that he collects them. I got angry and asked him which girl is he sending it to and how is his girlfriend doing. He then proceeded to tell me “Bye. I’m tired. I need to go.” I told him that I was not trying to start a fight and I just want him to be honest with me. He said that he is but, I refuse to believe him so he is tired and I refuse to believe him so he doesn’t care anymore. I told him that no one randomly takes dick pics and he said that he collects them.

I got so mad and said that I was sending him the same picture that I sent a friend (which was a lie) but, whatever. He then asked what friend got that type of picture. I said the same as the ones who gets his dick pics. He said that I look great but, he is sure that I hear that from everyone. And he just said “ok.” I then asked him if he is gonna finally confess that he is indeed talking to other women, he said “Nope.” I went on a RAMPAGE. It is like something took over me. I went completely cold and went on a rant. I decided to be bitter and told him his dick looked weird and to make sure he doesn’t have herpes. He says that he does not have herpes and I said that I am just assuring the safety of his girlfriend. He said “Those are fair follicles, silly girl.” And I was just so bitter and said it looked like bumps. He said “They are not bumps, my dear.” I told him that he’s not my man so it is not my problem and so if his girl wants that, that’s on her. I asked him what’s the name of this one.

Then I went on another rant and said it’s whatever. He has his life and I have mine and that whether or not if he is telling me the truth or not is on him. I told him that I thought as friends we told each other the truth but, I guess since I am only just a fling, I’m not a friend. I told him I’ll treat him like a platonic friend and not ask him anything about his personal life anymore and that we are just strictly platonic. He told me I was looney and I asked him why. He said that I was coo coo and I asked him why. He said that we will talk later. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said no that he was just tired. Then, I continued and I could see my wind down. I started off with saying that since we are just platonic, he can go tell his girlfriend that she should have no concerns since him and I are just friends.

Then, I realized that I can’t get angry since we are just friends and I have other people and that he is indeed married and we have no relationship. So, I apologized and told him that I will no longer ask about his personal life and keep my distance. He read all of my messages and I guess he is just staying busy and ignoring me or just too tired to argue. I need to stop doing this. I need to stop getting so angry. I need to stop being so insecure. If he is talking to other people, that is his business. I am focusing on my own life. I am at the beginning of my life. He is a true friend. He doesn’t expect anything sexual from me. He doesn’t ask. He just laughs with me and talks with me all day and we exchange awful jokes. And I can’t keep lashing out on a friend because of my own insecurity and repressed emotional attachment for him. I need to stop and let go. It’s like every time something is calm, I just have to disrupt it. Nothing can be too calm. I am too used to walking on eggshells and he isn’t that type so, I always feel at unease and I need to stop that. I do like him as my dear friend. But, I can’t keep carrying on like this.

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